Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
