Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
