I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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