Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
