he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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