He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
