Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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