are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
