My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
