dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
