After last night, I could never be a politician.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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