for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
