I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize