At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
