And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
