...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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