I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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