Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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