You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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