How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
