You can't special order awesome
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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