If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
