Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
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