we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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