im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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