Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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