just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
