someone get that fucking seahorse.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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