I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
