A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
