I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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