You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Randomize
