if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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