I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
