Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
