I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
