Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
