Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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