so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
