I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
