Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
