Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The power of my boobs compel you
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
