**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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