Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
