you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
