I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
