I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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