Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize