I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
