My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
