i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
