he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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