3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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