Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
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