So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
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