i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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