It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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