My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize