He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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