she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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