Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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