she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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