I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
