god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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